A year later
by Ira4
Summary: It's been a year since Amanda left New York, but a tragedy in her old squad brings her back.
1. Chapter 1

_This is my new fic. It will focus on Amanda (and you don't even need to ask if it's Rollaro), but it's going to be a little different from my other stories (at least that's the plan) and I hope you're going to like it. _

_As the title suggests this takes place a year later… you will get more answers as the story goes on, but this year starts a few months after Amanda comes back from the "vacation" following Forgiving Rollins, it will make more sense later ._

_I don't own any of the original SVU characters (why do I always forget to write this...)_

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><p><span><strong>A year later<strong>

* * *

><p>Amanda turned on the light and the darkness was gone in an instant. If only it was that simple in life, pull a switch and everything is suddenly illuminated, everything is clear and good.<p>

She took off her jacket and tossed in on the couch. She's been planning to buy a coat rack since moving in, but it's been a little over a year and she still let her coats rest on a chair or on the couch.

Amanda poured herself a glass of water and opened the fridge, it was empty. With all the changes in her life there was one thing she could count on – she didn't like cooking. Her diet consisted of too much take out and coffee, but these days she's been trying to drink less of it, couldn't get over the cooking thing though.

There was some leftover pizza and Amanda grabbed a piece and ate it quickly, she didn't bother heating it because she was starving.

The empty apartment was quiet, Frannie was at her neighbors' place. They were a nice family, two parents and two children, a boy and a girl. A real picture perfect family, but they were great. Amanda met them when she moved in and the kids fell in love with Frannie in an instant, and Frannie liked them back, so whenever Amanda had to work late they helped taking care of her.

She couldn't believe it's been more than a year. If anybody, back then, would have told her she'd be back in Atlanta she would have rolled her eyes at that person and try (really hard) no to say something mean. But here she is now, back in Atlanta, more than a year.

It was just after one a.m. and Amanda was exhausted, the last couple of days were grueling and Amanda wanted nothing more than to go to bed and fall asleep. She turned the light off in the living room and carefully made her way to the bedroom. She didn't even bother turning the lights on this time. She quickly undressed and put on a pair of sweatpants and the t-shirt she always slept in and got under the covers. She closed her eyes and was about to welcome sleep when she heard ringing. Amanda ignored it at first, hoping it was just her imagination. But no such luck, the phone kept on ringing and Amanda let out a frustrated grunt before getting out of the covers. She hurried to the living room to answer. It took her a moment to realize she left the phone in the jacket.

"Yeah?" she didn't check the caller ID and didn't bother answering the usual 'Rollins' but then the man on the other line said it and she recognized him before he identified himself.

"Rollins, this is Lieutenant Murphy"

She hasn't heard from him since he left SVU in the middle of the Ellie Porter case. Why was he calling her so late, and after all this time?

"Yes?" she wasn't sure what to say.

"Rollins, I'm sorry to call this late, but I need you help, we need your help back in New York"

Amanda needed a moment to make sure she fully understood him "you need my help in New York? At Vice?" last she heard he was doing undercover work, why would he need her there?

"No" Murphy replied "we need your help in SVU"

"Oh" it was all Amanda could say, she was still confused, Murphy was back at SVU? Sure, she didn't keep in touch with her old squad. At first she and Fin talked once in a while, exchanged birthday wished and such, but it faded and she had no idea what was going on there. So maybe it made sense that Murphy was back without anybody telling her.

"Rollins?" his voice brought her back to the conversation "can you come here, it's important"

"Eh…well" what did he want her to do? Jump on a plane right this moment?

"Rollins" his voice got even more serious "I wouldn't have called you now if it wasn't important, because it is. Can you get on the next plane to New York?

Amanda wasn't sure why, but she didn't think before answering "yes".

"Thank you, I will pick you up from the airport"

Amanda hung up and stood in silence for a moment, staring at a wall in the dark room. Did she just agree to travel to New York? Maybe it was a dream. She looked at the phone in her hand, knowing full well it wasn't. Murphy did call, she agreed to fly there, now.

Amanda walked back to the bedroom to change. He didn't say much, but knowing Murphy, he wouldn't call her so late if it wasn't vital. Why didn't he tell her what was going on? Why didn't she ask him?

She took a small bag and put some clothes inside it. Not that Amanda could just leave like this, she had to go to work in the morning. She booked a flight quickly and hurried to get to the airport.

* * *

><p>Amanda got some sleep in the plane, just couple of hours, but it was better than nothing, and it kept her from thinking about New York. She hasn't even visited since leaving. Now they need her? In the middle of the night?<p>

She woke up just before the landing and looked at the lights outside. No turning back now.

She spotted Murphy leaning on a wall, looking at his phone. He hasn't changed a bit, it's been a long time, and he seemed just the same. She was different, at least a part of her was, but seeing Murphy brought her back to their first meeting. It was a painful memory, who she was back then, how low she had fallen. But it was also a start of something new, of sobriety. Whatever others may think of Murphy, he was good to her, helped her out. So she trusted him.

He raised his eyes from the phone and saw her walking towards him.

"Rollins" he greeted her with a nod.

"Lieutenant"

"Thank you for coming, come on" he walked to the exit and Amanda followed him.

"Are you going to tell me why I am here? I still have to be at work tomorrow and…"

"I was hoping you would call and ask for a few days" he turned to look at her "I've got to say I was surprised to hear you were back with the APD"

Amanda wondered how much he knew. He was smart and realized, back then, something had happened, but does he know what?

"When did you get back to the squad?" she opened the car's door and sat down.

"Earlier today" she was surprised to hear his answer.

"So what is it? Why did you ask me to come here?"

"Something has happened" he started "and I need your help because you know this squad"

"Ok, but what is it?" Amanda was impatient, getting more and more worried as the seconds passed.

"Benson has been attacked in her apartment" he replied "she is at the hospital"

"Will she be alright?" her voice was a bit cracked.

"I don't know, she's in a medically induced coma, we don't know anything" he glanced at her for a moment before turning to look back at the road.

"And Noah?" Amanda hoped he was safe.

"We don't know where he is"


	2. Chapter 2

Murphy briefed her during the drive to the station. A neighbor called 911 about a noise coming from Benson's apartment, and when they got there she was lying on the floor, bleeding. Noah was gone.

The doctors had to put her in a medically induced coma because of the swelling in her brain, caused by a blow to the head. She was the only witness and she wasn't talking. None of the neighbors saw anything, and the one who heard the noise had nothing useful.

Murphy parked the car and opened the door for her "so can you stay here?"

"Yes" she had to talk to her deputy chief, but Eloise would tell her to stay as long as it takes.

The squad room was pretty quiet, Amanda expected it to be swarming with cops, but there was almost no one there.

"Where is everyone?" she asked Murphy as they walked to his office.

"I sent them all home, there's nothing they can do here right now, not while we are waiting for the results from CSU. They already went through every security footage we could find and there was nothing helpful, too many people" she nodded and he continued "I called you because we could use your help, you know this squad, and it is clearly personal"

"But I don't know what's been going on in here for the last year" she said.

"You've got fresh eyes Rollins, you know this place but you can look at it differently. This is what I need, what Benson needs"

"I'll stay as long as I can"

"Good" he handed her a file "they should be here soon, these are the photos from the scene"

Amanda opened the file and took the photos out and looked through them "they found any prints?"

Murphy nodded "we are waiting for the results but I doubt we'd find anything, they are probably hers"

"It doesn't look like a robbery, somebody planned this, there are signs of a struggle" she kept her eyes on the photos, trying to find anything. She wasn't sure there was anything _she_ could do to help, but she would try.

Amanda put the photos back in the file and looked at Murphy.

"So you are back in Atlanta" Murphy leaned back in his chair.

"I am" she nodded and gave him a little smile.

"When Fin told me I was surprised to hear it" he squinted, trying to read her.

"I'm sure you know most of it" she shrugged.

"Heard some bits and pieces, you know how it is" she smiled and lowered her eyes at the desk for a moment, Benson's things were there, it was the first time she noticed the office hasn't changed. She reached to one of the framed photos and looked at smiling Noah, he looked so big now.

"You know how it is" she repeated his words and placed the pictures back and looked at the lieutenant "things change sometimes and they have for me"

"Well I just appreciate you being here" he let it go.

"Of course" the sun had already risen and Amanda heard more voices coming from outside of the office.

"I got a desk for you" Murphy got up and she followed "is it your old one?" he gestured at an empty desk.

"No" she turned to look at the things on her old work space "there's a new…or not so new detective?"

"No, at least not now" he replied "I haven't even been back for twenty four hours so I'm not caught up to all the gossip"

Amanda smiled in response and looked around. The room was the same but different. She recognized Fin's desk, it was at the same place but now someone else was sitting in front of him, from the things on that desk she figured it was Carisi. And Nick's desk was…

"No way, Rollins?" Amanda turned to see Fin walking to her.

She smiled at him and they hugged "Murphy asked me to help you out with the investigation of Benson's attack"

"Oh" he nodded "It's great to have you back Amanda, you want your old desk back? I can kick Carisi's ass somewhere else"

"Thanks" she chuckled "I'm fine over there"

"How long are you staying?" Fin asked.

"Until we find who did this" Murphy joined in.

"I still have to call my boss, but she's ok, so…" she smiled again.

"I'm just glad you're helping out" Fin sat down on his chair and Murphy walked back to his office.

"So how are things in here?" she asked and looked around again.

"We miss you" he smiled at her "but other than that…same old, at least until yesterday. How you've been doing? How's Atlanta?"

"It's alright" she nodded "speaking of…I better call and let them know I'm here"

Amanda reached for her phone but before she could dial Carisi walked out of the elevator and saw her.

"Amanda!" he looked surprised "what are you doing here? Wait, are you back to help with the…?" she nodded and he gave her a hug "I'm so glad you're back, we miss you around here, right Fin?"

"We sure do" he nodded.

"It's great to see you too" it was a rough start for her with Carisi, a part of it due to him calling Nick a disaster magnet, and her feeling like some kind of a disaster for a long time, but after a while they worked better together and she was happy to see him.

"Hey" she asked, trying to sound as casual as possible "where's Nick?" she thought he'd refuse to leave until they have it figured out.

"He's got some family business" Carisi replied, taking his sit "he was supposed to take a few days off to spend with his daughter but now…well, he went to the airport"

"Oh, well I should go make the call and I'll be right back" she walked to the bunks room for some privacy and dialed.

"Rollins?" She heard the voice from the other line.

"Sorry to call this early chief" she apologized "but I got a call from my old squad in New York, my former sergeant is at the hospital and her son is missing, they asked me to help"

"You're already there, aren't you?" the woman asked.

"I am"

"Stay as long as you need" she told Amanda "come back after you solve this, we will manage without you for a while and if you need anything call me"

"Thank you chief" she hung up the phone and sat down.

Amanda wasn't surprised by the Deputy Chief's reaction, Eloise Heathers was a damn good police officer, she was also a really good person. They first met not long after Patton's trial was over. She helped her out then and it was the first time Amanda had finally felt in control of the situation.

Still, when Eloise first offered her to come back to Atlanta and work for her she refused. Things would be different, it was clear to Amanda, but she loved New York, she didn't want to leave, but a few months later she had little choice and called her to accept the offer.

Amanda walked back to Murphy's office to let him know she's staying for as long as he needs her.

* * *

><p>"Daddy!" Zara was happy to see Nick and ran to him as fast as she could he caught her in his arms and they hugged for a long time.<p>

"How are you doing?" she looked tired, but that was probably because she was used to sleeping at this hour.

"Good, what are we going to do daddy?" she was excited to spend a few days in New York.

"Well, the plans changed a little" he gave her an apologetic smile and raised his eyes at Maria, who walked to the two of them, she had a trolley in each hand.

Nick called his ex-wife earlier and told her something serious has happened, he didn't want to go into details over the phone, but he asked her to take Zara to her parents in D.C. first and he will pick her up from there. Maria wasn't happy about changing the schedule but from the tone of his voice she understood it was big, he wouldn't give up time with his daughter for just anything.

"What's going on?" she asked him.

"Zara" Nick smiled at the girl "can you sit over there for a moment, I need to talk to your mom, ok?"

"Fine dad" she looked at her parents and walked to the sits her father pointed at.

"Listen Maria" he started, throwing quick glances at Zara every once in a while "I'm sorry, but there's been…Olivia was attacked at her home and her son is missing"

"Oh god! Nick I'm so sorry" Maria liked Liv, they weren't friends or anything close, but she was always willing to help.

"We have to find out who did this and I can't…"

"I get it, it's fine" she nodded "I'll take her to my parents and let me know what's going on"

"Thank you" they walked to their daughter and Nick sat down next to her.

"Zara, your mom is going to take you to visit your grandparents first, ok? And I will pick you up later"

"But why?" she looked disappointed.

"I'm sorry honey, but it's really important. I love you so much and the moment I can I will come get you and we will have a great time, te adoro"

Zara still looked confused but then just nodded and hugged Nick again.

"Let me know what's going on" Maria requested before they walked away.

"I will" Nick watched as they turned to the car rental agency and took a deep breath. He had to hurry to the station.

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><p>Nick walked into the squad room and saw Fin and Carisi checking something on Fin's computer he muttered a quick hello and walked to Olivia's office. He knew Murphy was there now, he didn't appreciate him taking the office right away as if it was his, couldn't he just take am empty desk? But there was no time to argue about it, they had to find out who did this and bring back Noah, safe and sound.<p>

The door to the office was open and Nick walked inside to let Murphy know he was back. Through the open door Nick could tell he was talking to someone, but he didn't mind interfering for a moment, he had no plans for a long conversation with him anyhow.

"Murphy I..." Nick lost his words the moment he saw her there. It's been over a year, and here she was.

Amanda.


	3. Chapter 3

She turned to look at him and her blue eyes were just as beautiful as he remembered, her hair was down, it was longer, he had never seen her with it this long, her bangs were pushed to the side. There was something about her, something was different but it was so subtle Nick couldn't name it.

"Rollins" Nick forced himself to say something just so he would stop staring and that was the only thing that he could come up with, he couldn't keep the surprise out of his tone and he had turned to Murphy so he wouldn't keep on just looking at her "Just wanted to let you know I'm back Lieutenant"

"Good" Murphy looked at him "Rollins is here to help us out"

Nick gave her a quick glance and she gave him a shy smile "that's great"

"Why don't you show her what we have, I've already explained it's not much, but" he turned to Amanda "I want you to go through the cases, see if anything stands out"

"Of course" she nodded and made her way to the door.

"Don't forget your bag" Murphy said, focusing on the papers on the desk.

Amanda grabbed her bag, she must have left it here when she just got to the station and forgot about it.

Nick let her walk in front of him and her smile stirred something inside of him. He wasn't sure what though. He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact she was here, she left so abruptly, told them she got a job offer back in Atlanta, an opportunity to change things down there. What about things in New York?

His thoughts wandered back to that day, when she told everyone she was leaving.

* * *

><p>They were busy working when Olivia and Amanda walked out of the office, he could see something was going on and put his pen down.<p>

"I've got some news" Amanda started and looked at the three of them, Carisi, Fin and Nick "I know it's a bit sudden, but I've been thinking about it for a while now and I decided to accept an offer from the APD"

"APD?" Carisi was stunned to hear her mentioning them. By then he already knew the whole story, she couldn't hide it after what followed.

"I know what you are all thinking, but I'm going to work with Deputy Chief Eloise Heathers, she really wants to change things there, I will work mostly on the cold cases, all the backlog, all those never tested rape kits, she wants to make things different, and she asked for my help" she shrugged "it wasn't an easy decision, but I made up my mind"

Nick watched as Fin and Carisi asked her a few more things and wished her luck, she had one more week before moving back.

He had a feeling something else was going on.

"Rollins" he called her the first moment alone they had, she looked up at him "can we have a word?"

"Sure" she turned to him.

"Not here" he said and got up so they could go to the bunks, she followed him there and he shut the door quietly after she walked inside.

"You're really leaving?" he asked and she nodded "why?"

"I told you why" she tilted her head a bit, not sure why he just asked that.

"I heard that, but are you really just going to go back there? I mean, what she's doing there is commendable, it's important but…after everything you went through…the way they treated you even after the trial…"

She looked as if she had no idea what to say so he walked a little closer to her "look Amanda, it's just that I…want to make sure you are thinking about what's best for you"

"I am" she smiled and walked out of the room leaving the door wide open. All he could do was watch her leave, he should have said something else, there were so many things on his mind, in his heart, but he let her go. A week later she moved back to Atlanta.

* * *

><p>"So what exactly happened to Liv?" her voice brought him back from his thoughts.<p>

"She hit her head and there's some swelling in the brain so the doctors put her in a coma until it goes down" he explained.

"Yeah, Murphy told me all that, but do the doctors think she'll pull through?" she looked at him.

"Can't say anything, we need to wait and see" he shrugged.

Amanda placed her bag under her temporary desk and walked over to Fin's, he was still working on something with Carisi.

"You've got something?" she asked.

"We're going through the footage again, maybe we missed something, we have so much of it" Carisi stood up straight and looked at her.

"Murphy wanted me to go through old cases, see if anything stands out" she told them.

"All the old ones?" Nick's voice was bitter "or just from the last year, cause there are a lot of them, it's going to take way too long"

"You have a better idea?" Fin asked "it has to be personal, you know that"

"I know that, but we need to do more"

"We're doing everything we can Nick" Carisi looked at him "we have an Amber alert out, the lab's checking everything and Amanda's here to help too, we will find him"

"Yeah" he didn't sound very sure though "did the lab call?"

"Not yet" Fin answered "I will call them"

Nick turned to get his drink from the fridge but instead of going back to his desk he walked to the bunks. He needed a moment. He closed the door behind him and sat down on one of the beds.

He could hear the noises from outside and hoped no one would come in. There had to be something else they could do, Nick hated the thought of sitting and waiting. He looked at his hands holding the cold drink.

His thoughts started drifting to that conversation he had here with Amanda, all the things he didn't say. She was here now, and he wanted to talk to her, to learn about her life away from New York. He was afraid to ask for details, what if she's doing so well that they are not on her mind, that _he_ is not on her mind, maybe she has someone else waiting for her there.

Nick missed her. She looked so good, it was more than her longer hair or her beauty, there was something more.

He was about to get up and go back to his desk when the door suddenly opened.

"You ok?" Amanda asked him.

"Yes" he nodded and she smiled at him.

"You sure?" she closed the door and leaned on it, crossing her arms.

"I just want to find who did it, find Noah and bring him back, that's all" he shrugged.

"We all want that Nick, sitting here is not very helpful" she widened her eyes a little and he gave her a nod.

"Let's go back then" he moved closer to her and they stood in front of each other, staring into each other's eyes. It was as if time froze, he looked into that pure blue color and everything was erased, there was Amanda and there was Nick, no problems, no pain. Just the two of them, but was it like that for her? He moved closer to her without even noticing, only inches between them now.

"We better get back" she hissed and he pulled away quickly, maybe it wasn't the same for her.

"Yes, yeah" she opened the door and walked out of the room.

"So the lab has nothing" Fin told them when they got back.

"We expected that" Carisi commented "the perp wouldn't just leave his prints for us to find"

Amanda sat at her desk, Carisi gave her a pile of files and she took one of them.

"I guess that's all we can do until Benson's awake, no more witnesses" Fin let out a frustrated breath.

"You've got no suspects? No high profile cases?" Amanda asked.

"We've checked those already" Nick gave her a quick glance before turning his attention back to his computer screen "but some are in prison or got an alibi"

"They have money?" she asked and Nick chuckled "could be a work of a professional"

"So why would they leave her alive?" Carisi wondered out loud which earned him an angry look from Nick.

"He's got a point" Amanda noticed Nick's reaction "it's not easy to think about it, but if we were dealing with a hitman he wouldn't have left her alive, wouldn't have left a mess too"

"So it's about Noah then?" Carisi offered a theory.

"In that case" Amanda got up and walked over to Fin's desk "maybe we should focus on cases involving children, anything comes to mind?"

The men tried to think, but there were so many cases it was hard to pinpoint just one or just a few.

"Or" Amanda shrugged "have you considered the possibility it could be someone from Noah's past? His biological father maybe?" They didn't know who he was, Ellie had no idea herself, but what if he knew about the child, what if he wanted to take him?

"And who's that?" Nick asked "we have no idea who that is, I'm sure he doesn't even know"

They all got back to their desks to focus on the files and footage. Amanda threw a glance once in a while at Nick, that moment in the bunks room, was he going to kiss her? The way he looked at her got her head spinning a little, with his dark eyes. It would have been inappropriate, but if he would have kept staring at her like that for a bit longer she would have kissed him herself instead of walking out. After all this time he still had that effect on her. Amanda turned her attention back to the files, she was in New York to help in a case, not to rekindle whatever it was that they had. She lived in Atlanta now and was doing fine there, even though she did miss New York. Amanda didn't want to, but she had to leave, staying could have caused problems.

Amanda's thoughts were interrupted when Murphy walked out of the office.

"I just got a call from the hospital" he said.


	4. Chapter 4

"What did they say?" Fin asked and everyone turned their attention to Murphy.

"The swelling is going down, they hope to get her off the meds, so hopefully she wakes up soon"

"That's great news" Carisi stood up.

"It is" Murphy nodded and turned to look at Nick and then at Fin "but we don't know in what state she is going to be so focus on anything else we have"

"You mean nothing" Nick muttered and everyone turned their heads to look at him but he kept his head down and Murphy decided to ignore him.

"Check what we do know again, Carisi" he looked at him "I want you to make sure we got all the footage and go through it again"

"On it boss" Carisi sat back down and typed something in his computer.

"Fin" Murphy said "you talked to the lab?"

"They got nothing" he replied "no prints, no suspicious DNA"

"CSU only checked her apartment?" Murphy sounded a bit surprised.

"Checked out the hall too, but the guy told me it's gonna take a long time to process that, it's like lifting prints from the street"

"It's still better than nothing, call them and let them know we need it now"

Fin nodded and picked up the phone so he could call the lab.

"Amaro, in my office please" Murphy turned and walked back there.

Nick looked reluctant to go and took a deep breath before getting up of the chair and following Murphy.

Amanda turned her head and watched him going inside and closing the door, she wondered what was going on with him. Of course, it must have been hard for him to see Liv like this, they were partners and friends. Amanda knew he was also close to Noah. But something else was up with him, no special detective skills were required to see that. But she just couldn't tell.

"Carisi" she walked over to his desk and kept her voice low, she figured that while Fin was on the phone he wouldn't pay attention to her snooping around.

"Yeah?" he turned to look at her.

"What's up with Amaro? He's on edge" she glanced at the closed door "is it just the case or is there something else going on?"

Carisi chuckled "he's been a bit down lately, his ex-wife is getting married"

"Maria?" she knew Nick had been married only once but the news caught her off guard and that was the first thing that came to her mind.

Carisi nodded and continued explaining "he already looked into everything there is about the guy, I guess he just doesn't like it that he's alright"

"Oh" Amanda raised her eyes again, the door was still closed.

"Nick couldn't find anything, he's a decent guy"

"You met him?" Amanda wasn't sure where they could have met so she was surprised.

"No, but I guess he's ok, I doubt the ex would have gone on a hot tempered guy again, ha?" he laughed.

Amanda glared at him "I hope you didn't share your sentiments with him" she said before returning to her sit.

"I know better" he smiled.

Carisi was something special, she thought, if what he just told her was true than it's no surprise Nick is so upset. But then again why would he be? He still has feelings for Maria? It's not really her business now. She focused her attention back at the files on the desk just as Nick walked out of the office. He did not return to his sit but walked straight to the elevator, stopping for a brief moment to grab his jacket.

The other three detectives exchanged a puzzled look but no one dared to go after him.

"Hey" Amanda called after a while "check this one out" she raised the file in her hand.

"What is it?" Carisi asked her.

"It's from six months ago, a kidnapping of a child, you and Benson found him" she turned to Fin.

"Yeah, I remember that one, Bradley Kay, his neighbor was charged"

"But he was released" Carisi recalled the details.

"Not enough evidence?" Amanda turned to Fin again.

"And a good lawyer, he's been doing anything weird lately?"

"I can check, but it's gonna take a while to get the phone records and credit card info, why don't we pay him a visit?"

"Let's go" Fin nodded, glad to get out of the precinct.

"I'll let Murphy know" Amanda walked to the office and knocked on the door.

"What is it Rollins?" he barely raised his head to look at her.

"Just wanted to tell you Fin and I are going to check a lead, a case they worked on six months ago"

"Good" she didn't leave so he looked up at her "anything else?"

"Where'd Amaro go?"

"I told him he could work on this on his own, seems like that's what he wants"

"I see you two are still friendly" she tried to lighten to mood.

"Are you?" he raised his brows to make a point and Amanda gave him an awkward smile before leaving.

* * *

><p>Fin and Amanda were in his car, driving back to the station. They had spoken to the suspect but he wasn't their perp, he had a strong alibi and so they had to go back to searching for the attacker.<p>

"When this is over" Fin turned to her when they stopped at a red light "we are all going out for a drink, and you have to join"

"Well, maybe not for a drink, I'm not drinking" she smiled and Fin gave her a questioning look, not sure if she implying anything.

"Amanda, are you…" he started but stopped as a horrified look spread across her face.

"Don't even say it!" her eyes widened and Fin burst out laughing "I'm just not drinking"

Fin stopped laughing and turned left when the light turned green.

"I've been working on some stuff, I'm going to meetings, I'm trying not to drink, not as much as I used to" she turned to look out of the window "quit smoking, for real this time"

Fin smiled at her "good for you"

"And maybe the most surprising thing, I don't drink too much coffee now"

"I'm happy for you Amanda, I'm glad things are working out"

"I'm not gonna lie, I do miss New York, and you guys, but you know…" she shrugged.

"You're always welcome back here, don't have to live in Atlanta to do better"

Amanda couldn't think of anything to say.

Atlanta wasn't the reason she's been doing good, it took her a long and grueling time to get there.

* * *

><p>After Patton's trial was over Amanda told everyone she's fine, he's gotten his punishment and she's alright. But it was a lie. Patton got nothing more than a slap on the wrist, as if he was a kid secretly taking a cookie from a jar. His actions caused her, and others, damage that could never be undone, thoughts that could never be forgotten. But Patton wasn't the only one.<p>

Benson tried to convince her to get counseling and Amanda refused. She didn't want to talk about it, she already knew exactly what happened and she felt like just talking will do no good. She wanted, needed something else.

For a while Amanda felt as if she was descending to those bad feelings that led to gambling, she tried to fight it, tried to act normal. She went to meetings and saw everyday without gambling as a victory. Still, she wasn't doing too good and everyone on the squad could tell something was going on. She pushed them away, providing all kinds of excuses.

She felt like there was nothing she could do.

When she finally admitted that to herself, that she couldn't do anything – that was when she realized she has to do something. Delving on it, talking about it more and more wasn't going to help her. She needed actions.

She needed to know that what had happened to her and others won't happen to anyone else. There was only one way to do that.

Amanda reached out to a friend of hers who lived in Atlanta. They were friends in college and while Amanda became a cop, her friend, Emma Berg, went to law school.

Emma worked in corporate law but after a very long conversation she promised to help her out.

She filed a law suit against the Atlanta police department.

Amanda wasn't the only one there, with Emma's help they found others who joined them and once the law suit was filed everything changed.

She knew it wouldn't be easy. The media loved the story and they tried to get every bit of information from Emma since they tried to keep the names of the victims from the press.

Testifying was harder than she thought. Even though she's done it before so many times it was painful, but she had to tell, and this time talking didn't feel useless.

The trial was when Amanda first met deputy chief Heathers, she helped Emma gathering some information because she knew they were right.

In New York, the squad found out about the trial just a few days before it actually started. Amanda had to keep it a secret, she wouldn't talk about it at all. She asked them not to show up there, that part was especially for Nick.

The APD's lawyers worked hard trying to discredit them. Their questions, the way they talked to her and the others, it took a toll on Amanda. She sometimes got distracted at work, got lost in thoughts. Fin and Nick picked up her slack and urged her to talk to them, let them know what was going on, but Amanda refused. She appreciated their help, but she had to keep them out of it.

Luckily Emma was a very good lawyer. The media loved her, and people talked about it outside of the courthouse. She often gave just a little bit of information to the press to keep them satisfied and to make sure they will follow the story because the court of public opinion was more important than the court of law.

There was one speech they all loved and it became almost the slogan to the whole trial. Emma just walked out of the courthouse and the reporters ran to her to listen to what she had to say. She gave them a serious look before she spoke "this trial is not only about the victims, who are doing this because they will not get justice any other way. This trial is also for every citizen of Atlanta, every man and woman who expects the Atlanta police department to find the person who had robbed their house, stole their car. But this are small crimes, would you trust them to investigate as assault on your parent? Your spouse? Your child? How can we feel safe when the people who should protect us are busy hurting their own? Can I trust the police to care about my assault when a captain or a deputy chief is harassing his detective, his officer?"

The mayor's office and the APD realized after a while there was little they could do now, not when they were in the center of such a scandal.

They offered a deal. Everyone whose name came up in the trial will leave the force but will get to keep the pension. In every zone there will be a sergeant in charge of preventing sexual assaults, and he or she will report to the chief of detectives. The victims will get a financial compensation.

The day they signed the deal Amanda went back to New York and the second she got into her apartment she started crying. This time she cried tears of relief. Now things would be different, now her words mattered.

_Now_ it was over.

* * *

><p><em>I planned to write more things in this chapter, but I think I ended it in a good place. This is my take on how Amanda could deal with the rape. Of course, I'm not familiar with the laws in the US and how it all works, but this is a fanfic so that's how it works in this universe.<em>

_Coming up next: the case, why Amanda left New York and more._


	5. Chapter 5

"Waste of time" Fin let Carisi know and sat back down "not our guy"

"Well I might have something" he said "I found more footage, it's from a store not too far from Benson's apartment, it was closed so we couldn't get it then but check this out" Carisi waited for Amanda and Fin to walk to his desk before he showed them the video.

It was a man holding a child, the quality was bad and the man was there for just a few seconds.

"Can't see him clearly, but he wasn't on any of the other footage" Carisi said "I checked them again"

"You recognize him?" Amanda looked at Fin but he shook his head "you sure it's Noah?"

"His face is hidden, but I think so"

"You showed this to Murphy?" Fin asked.

"Yeah, he told me to get a BOLO out on him" Carisi smiled "it's more than nothing"

"A blurry man, I'd say it's pretty much nothing" Fin walked back to his seat.

"We need to try and retrace his steps, maybe he was caught on other security cameras on his way" she suggested "if you guys think this is him then it's better than sitting here"

"You can do that tomorrow" the three of them turned around to see Murphy standing there, listening to them "right now go back home, it's late and we won't get anything right now"

"Ok lieutenant" Carisi nodded, they all wanted to stay but they weren't going to get any information at this time, there was nothing they could do at the station.

Murphy walked back to the office and Carisi started gathering his things.

"Where are you staying?" Fin asked Amanda "you're welcome to sleep at my place"

"Thanks" she smiled at him "I'm gonna stay at a hotel, I've got some things I want to do and I wouldn't want to bother you"

"You sure? I don't mind"

"I appreciate the offer Fin, but I'm good"

"See you tomorrow then"

"Bye"

* * *

><p>Amanda stayed at the station after Carisi and Fin had left, Murphy walked out not long after them and wished her goodnight. Amanda felt like she couldn't leave, maybe now that Murphy's gone Nick would be back. He hasn't called since he walked out and Amanda hoped he was alright. But as time passed she realized he wasn't going coming back. It was after midnight so Amana decided to stay put and sleep in the bunks room. the bed was uncomfortable but she was so tired it didn't matter, sleep took over her the moment she closed her eyes.<p>

* * *

><p>Amanda opened her eyes and for a moment she wasn't sure where she was. She sat up and everything came back to her. Reaching for her phone she was glad to see it was still early, it meant she could change and make herself somewhat presentable. She was planning to get a hotel room.<p>

Amanda changed her clothes and brushed her teeth.

"Morning" Murphy said as he walked by her desk.

"Morning" she smiled.

Fin and Carisi showed up not much later but Nick was still a no show.

"Hey Rollins" Carisi greeted her "how's it going?"

"Fine" she replied "we should go soon, see if we can find more footage of that guy"

"Yeah, Amaro's not planning to come by?" Carisi asked.

"We should just go, let Amaro deal with his Murphy issues alone" Fin didn't want to meddle, he had no problem with either.

"Then let's get a move on" Amanda stood up.

"Scrap that" Murphy hurried out of the office "Benson's awake"

"She's awake?" Carisi asked.

"Just got a call from the hospital" Murphy nodded "she woke up earlier this morning, let's go talk to her"

Fin and Carisi turned to walk after Murphy but Fin stopped when he noticed Amada was still by her desk.

"You know what" she looked at him "I don't think we all should go, it would just be overwhelming, you know? I will go look for the footage by myself"

Fin gave her a questioning look but Murphy told her that it was ok for her to stay and they three detectives left.

Amanda took a deep breath, she hoped Olivia would be ok. She thought it was best not to visit her at the moment, not when she had just woken up. She would be shocked to see her.

Amanda grabbed herself a glass of water before heading out but the moment she reached for her jacket Nick walked out of the elevator.

"Hey" she said, he still looked angry "where have you been?"

He didn't reply at first and Amanda wondered whether she should give up and just leave, but then he spoke "yesterday I went to talk to her neighbors again" he walked to the fridge to get his drink "Murphy's not here yet?"

"They all went to the hospital" he raised his eyes at her "Benson woke up"

"She ok?"

"I don't know, they all went to see her" she replied.

"You stayed?"

"She doesn't need everyone there" Amanda shrugged "and Carisi found some footage, maybe it's the guy we're looking for"

"Really?"

"Let me show you" she pulled the footage and Nick walked to her desk "look at this"

Nick had to lean in so he would be able to see better, it wasn't the best quality. Amanda stopped the video after the man disappeared but Nick stayed hunched behind her. They stayed like that for a moment, she could feel his breath on her skin and his thought were lost by their proximity. Why did she had this effect on him? It was hard to pull away but he had no choice.

"You think it could be him?" she didn't turn to look at him.

"It looks like him, can't be a hundred percent sure though"

"I'm gonna try retracing his steps from her apartment, maybe I could find other footage. You should go to the hospital, I will keep you posted"

"Actually, I will go there later"

"When Murphy's not there?" she widened her eyes at him.

Nick chuckled but didn't contradict her. It was no secret he never liked Murphy, the first time they met Nick sucker punched him in the gut, not the best first impression.

"Mind if I join you?" he looked at her and she nodded.

* * *

><p>They two detectives walked to the spot where the man was captured on the security camera.<p>

"He was walking in this direction" Amanda checked the iPad.

"Let's see where it leads us" he looked at the video with her "looks like he turned to this street"

Amanda kept on throwing glances at him on their way, she wanted to ask him how's he been holding up, it was clear to her there were many things on his mind except for Liv being attacked, and now she knew his ex-wife was getting married again.

"If you have something to say…" he caught her looking at him.

"Carisi told me" Amanda confessed "about Maria"

"Oh" he let out a frustrated breath.

"I'm sure it's not easy that she's…"

Nick stopped and she turned to him "you think it's about her?" Amanda didn't know what to say "look, Maria and I are not friends but we are not fighting so much now, what I care about is Zara, some other guy is going to raise her! And yeah, I know he's not going to take my place, I've heard that line enough, it doesn't make me feel better. I'm still here, and he will be there with my daughter, but don't worry about it"

Amanda felt bad for Nick, she knew how much he loved Zara, he tried to be the best father possible and being so far away from her was tough on him.

He started moving forward and she caught up with him, it was a side street, must have been a short cut their suspect took because there weren't many places he could hide there.

"I can't help worrying about it" she almost whispered and he stopped again "if you have something to say…" she repeated his words from earlier since he just stared at her.

"You're pretty far away to worry, don't waste it on me" Amanda rolled her eyes at him, that was kind of mean of him to say and she wasn't going to ignore it.

"That's nice of you to say" her tone was angry.

"Look Rollins" he emphasized her last name to distant himself from her "you moved away, what do you want me to say? We haven't exchanged a word for over a year and you want to act like you care? We both know that when this is over you will go back to Atlanta and we won't ever see each other again. So really, don't even think about it"

Amanda was taken aback by the speech. She wasn't sure if he really didn't want her to care or if he was just saying it. His words hurt her.

"I'm sorry Nick" she lowered her voice "I'm sorry I still care and I'm sorry that it offends you, but…"

"Why?" he asked and again, they stood in front of each other "I hear you saying the words but you know what? I don't want you to say it, you left. You left and…" Nick looked away and for a moment Amanda thought he would just walk away but he turned his attention to her again and there was a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"You just walked away" he continued "after everything with your lawsuit was over you were doing better, you and I were doing better, no? I thought we were finally in a good place, I wanted us to get there but…you left "he shook his head and his voice was almost broken now "I never got why, the job? I wish you'd tell me that it was about something else, that you had another reason for leaving, but no, you just preferred to go down there instead of staying so please, please don't tell me you care" he was almost begging and she couldn't react, she couldn't tell him that he was right, the job had nothing to do with her leaving.

* * *

><p><em>Can you guess why she left?<em>

_You will find out pretty soon..._


	6. Chapter 6

_This has a little flashback to how Rollaro started, the song is __Bruce Springsteen Human touch__._

_And Liv's awake..._

* * *

><p>Nick and Amanda kept on trying to figure out where their suspect was going. The two of them kept the conversation at a minimum after their previous exchange. But they did manage to find more footage that could help them identify the suspect.<p>

"We should head back" Nick said and they quietly walked back to his car.

The silence was uncomfortable but neither one wanted to break it. Nick turned the radio on with the hope to ease the tension. There were many other things he could have said, like how much it hurt him when she left, how much he wanted her to stay. Things between them were getting better, they were getting closer and he believed in them. So maybe it was better if she just didn't care about him, because it would be easier on him.

Nick tried to focus on the music coming out of the speakers. Amanda was looking out of the window, he thought she looked so beautiful, even though he was upset with her Nick wanted to feel her, just graze her skin.

But he couldn't do that.

A new song started playing and Nick noticed Amanda has started humming along quietly and he wondered if she remembered the previous time they heard it, and how it changed everything.

* * *

><p>It was a couple of nights before her acquaintance from Loganville showed up, Larry Jones. The two of them went out for a drink, Amanda was buying and Nick needed to clear his head so he was glad to join her.<p>

They were chatting about nothing in particular, small talk that had nothing to do with work, when the song came on.

"I like this one" Amanda commented and took a sip from her drink.

"Really?" he sounded a bit doubtful "didn't peg you as a fan of the boss"

"I'm just full of surprises Nick" he chuckled, knowing she was full of surprises "and I like this song, we all need 'Just a little of that human touch…'" she sang along.

"You miss it?" she asked suddenly and he gave her a confused look, not sure what she was referring to.

"A human touch" she smiled "you and Maria have been separated for a while now"

Nick gave her an uncomfortable grin, not sure how to reply he just shrugged and reached for his drink.

"It's ok if you do" she continued "doesn't make you less of a choir boy"

"Really?" he placed the glass on the table and stared right into her eyes "I guess I do" he said after a while.

"Do you miss her?" Nick's eyes widened a little, what was all this curiosity about all of the sudden?

"Sorry, am I being too nosey?" she asked.

"Yes" he said seriously but then his voice softened "but the answer I don't know"

She didn't respond, just took another sip and waited for him to continue "honestly, I don't know"

"You miss what you had" her eyes fell on the small table their drinks were on, she was playing with the almost empty glass.

"I guess so" he shrugged again, she gave him a playful smile and he had to smile back. He felt a little light headed, but it couldn't have been the booze, he wasn't drunk. Nick raised his eyes at her "I just feel guilty about everything" he surprised himself by this sudden honesty and by the look she gave him it was evident she felt the same way "I just never thought my marriage would fail"

"You don't think you could fix it?" she asked and he remained silent "you want to?"

"I don't know if there's anything left to salvage, I thought we could before, but now…not as much, I screwed up"

"Don't be too hard on yourself" she grabbed her glass again and emptied it "not that I'm the relationship expert but…" she let out a laugh and he couldn't help but join in, even though if she was referring to Nate it wasn't a funny situation.

"I didn't exactly try to make things better and now I'm…missing that _human touch_" he smiled.

"Don't worry, it's like riding a bike" she looked at her phone, it was getting late and they had to be at work the next day.

"Well I can ride a bike" Nick emptied his drink.

"I bet you can" she winked "I better head home" she got up from the stool.

"That's a great idea" he followed her out of the bar and they stood on the sidewalk letting the cool air fill their lungs.

"I should get a cab" she told him but didn't move, her eyes stayed away from his but he could tell she was looking at him.

"Driving might not be the best thing right now" he agreed, the plan was to have one drink, but they had a great time and one drink turned into a few.

"Well, if you need somebody that you can just talk to…" she started.

"You really like that song, don't you?"

Amanda shrugged, then her eyes met him and he felt a jolt of electricity, now he was certain it had nothing to do with the alcohol, it was the beautiful color of her eyes, and the spark in them. That look she was giving him right now, she looked so different for a moment, not the Rollins he saw at work, but Amanda. Amanda he couldn't read, couldn't figure out. In that moment he really wanted to, at least to try.

The soft wind played with her hair and he wanted so bad to reach for it, feel it against his fingers, but it felt wrong, he shouldn't.

Then she leaned forward and kissed him.

Without a warning, without saying anything. Her lips were on his and they were so soft, he could taste the alcohol on them but it didn't matter. It didn't last long, she pulled away and he was about to kiss her himself when she smiled at him and he was uncertain if she was feeling guilty.

"I'm gonna go" she moved away but then turned to him "like riding a bike" she said.

Nick stayed planted there for a while, confused, shocked. More by the fact he wanted more of that kiss then by the fact it had actually happened.

The next day she apologized, told him she was drunker than she thought. He tried to talk to her about it after a few days but she blew him off, he was worried about her, felt like something was wrong.

He was right, she got involved with Murphy's under cover operation and got in trouble with Liv afterwards. Nick showed up at her place to check up on her, he felt guilty for not saying anything, he had noticed something was going on with her a long time ago but he had his shit to deal with and so he just let it go. He promised himself to try harder this time.

In the end they both needed _something to hold on to_…

And they had each other.

Things weren't easy for them, he got in trouble again and being demoted really got him down, she tried to be there for him, but he didn't exactly let her. It was as if when one of them was in a better place, the other was going through some kind of a struggle. It was only after the truth about Patton was revealed that Nick could understand her better.

She had to deal with it and chose to do it without him, but she didn't want to keep him out of her life, they both wanted to try again, before she left.

Now, driving back to the precinct, Nick listened as she hummed with the song. There are so many things he should have done differently, if he could go back in time he would never let her lips leave his that night by the bar.

* * *

><p>Murphy, Fin and Carisi hurried to the hospital. Fin thought it was a bit odd that Amanda preferred to stay behind but he didn't share it with the others.<p>

Murphy saw Olivia's doctor and he walked towards them.

"How is she doing?" he asked.

"She is awake and responding, you can go in and talk to her but please try to keep her calm, we are still running tests, hopefully there won't be any permanent damage"

"Thank you" Murphy said "we'll go talk to her now"

The three of them walked to Benson's room, she was lying in the bed with an IV drip, there was a big bandage on the back of her head.

"Liv" Fin smiled and walked over to her.

"Guys" she looked at the three of them, they all had worried expressions "what's going on? The doctor didn't tell me anything"

Fin and Murphy exchanged a look.

"You know why you're here?" Murphy asked.

Olivia looked at him and slightly shook her head "no, I…I don't remember"


	7. Chapter 7

"This is not uncommon" the doctor said, he examined Benson and asked her some questions "some memory loss can happen after a trauma to the head, such as this"

"I can't sit here" Liv said and tried to sit up "my son is missing" the guys filled her in about most of what had transpired, the little they knew.

"Benson" Murphy's voice was firm "we are on it, the last thing you need to do is to get out of this bed, let the doctors take care of you, we will find your son, but it will do no good for no one of you are not going to get better"

"You don't know anything" she protested "you need my help"

Murphy moved closer to her and Fin exchanged a look with Carisi "right now, you can't help" he said "you should rest and let the memories come back, Fin will stay here with you"

Fin nodded at her "we'll figure this out Liv"

"No" Liv shook her head but it made her feel dizzy so she had to stop.

"Have faith in your squad" Murphy said and walked towards the door, he understood Olivia was worried about her child, they all were, but she was hurt, she had to take care of herself right now so when they do find Noah, his mother would be able to be there for him.

Carisi followed Murphy out of the room "what are we going to do now?" Murphy looked at him and turned his attention to his phone, he didn't want to say they could use a miracle.

* * *

><p>Nick and Amanda were uploading the footage on to their computers. They were both quiet, still bitter over the argument in the alley.<p>

Amanda raised her eyes when Murphy and Carisi got back to the station "how is she?" she stood up and Nick turned to look at them too.

"She doesn't remember anything" Carisi replied and Amanda's expression changed from hopeful to upset.

"Nothing?" she repeated.

"The doctor said it is common, hopefully she will remember soon" Murphy looked at Nick for a split second "you got anything?"

"Some more footage, we were about to go through it now" she let him know.

"Do that, I hope we get something" Murphy walked into the office.

"Where's Fin?" Amanda asked Carisi.

"At the hospital with Benson, she wasn't very thrilled about staying there"

"Of course she wasn't" Nick seemed angry "I'm gonna go there, let me know if you find anything" Nick throw a glance at the closed door and grabbed his jacket without saying another word. He could feel Carisi's eyes following his every move but decided to ignore him.

"They are like best friends" Carisi commented.

"They were partners" Amanda opened the first file.

"I'm talking about Amaro and Murphy" he said quietly, as if the lieutenant could hear him through the closed door "they don't like each other"

"I guess so" she still didn't look at him.

"You should have seen his face when Murphy first walked in" Carisi continued not picking up on her reluctance to talk about it, but she could see the look Carisi was talking about, she'd seen it before.

Amanda tried to concentrate on the video that was playing on her screen, a security footage from an office building "I think I see him" she said and finally looked up at the other detective, who hurried to her desk.

"Still can't see his face" he said after Amanda pointed at the man.

"We've got a few more, maybe we're gonna get lucky" she shrugged "I'll send you some of the files, it will be faster if we go through it together"

Carisi nodded and got back to his desk, they had to hurry up, it's been too long and they still had no leads.

* * *

><p>Both Fin and Olivia turned to look at Nick when he walked in.<p>

"How are you feeling?" Nick asked.

"You have any news?" she looked hopeful but Nick shook his head.

"I'm gonna get some coffee" Fin got up "I'll be back soon"

Nick closed the door behind Fin and sat by the bed "I'm sorry" he said "we're doing everything to find him"

"Sitting here isn't helping, I'm trying, but I can't seem to remember it…"

"It will come back to you" he tried to calm her down.

"Hopefully, but I need you all to look for Noah, not to sit here and talk to me, it is useless"

Nick wasn't sure how to respond to that, she was right, there was no doubt about it, but he was having such a hard time with Murphy being in charge and Amanda showing up.

"You are right" he nodded "it is our priority, Murphy even got Rollins to help us"

"Rollins?" Benson looked confused, maybe she forgot what year this was.

"Yeah" Nick explained "Murphy called her in, to help us, she flew in from Atlanta"

"Tell her I appreciate it" she said.

"I'm sure you'll get the chance before she leaves" the thought of her leaving again was painful "you will remember soon"

"Fin and I have tried some things, but it's not coming back" she looked at the door "please just go Nick, you need to be at the station right now"

"Ok" he stood up and walked towards the door. He was about to leave when she said something that made him turn around.

"Tell her not to worry" Benson said quietly.

"Tell who?" Nick looked at her, wondering who she was talking about.

Olivia looked at him a bit confused, didn't he know? Probably not, since he sat back down looking concerned.

"Tell who not to worry?" she seemed hesitant to reply, like she had said something she shouldn't have. But Nick couldn't figure it out "who?" he pressured, this wasn't about Noah, she wouldn't keep anything that might help to herself "Liv?" he tried again.

"Nothing" she looked at him, she was so certain he knew, he never brought it up during the last year, what was she supposed to think?

"You not answering just worries me, just say it and I'll leave" they kept on looking at each other, as if it was a game of who blinks first.

Who could she say it about? But then Nick realized there is only one person she could be referring to.

"Why shouldn't Amanda worry?" he knew he was right because of the look on her face "what are you not telling me?"

"It doesn't matter Nick" she spoke, it wasn't her place to tell him.

"This just means it does, what is it?" again, the answer hit him "is this about Amanda leaving?" there wasn't much time left until Fin would be back, he needed her to tell him "it is, isn't it?" he already knew, and she could see that in his eyes.

"Nick…" she wanted to protest but he stopped her.

"Why are the two of you keeping this a secret? What is it?"

Benson knew he wasn't going to drop it, she needed him to focus on Noah but he wouldn't be able to do that knowing that something is being kept from him.

"Ok" she very slightly nodded "I'll tell you" it was clear she had his full attention so she started "about a year ago…"


	8. Chapter 8

After Amanda's lawsuit was settled Olivia could see a change in her. She was still the same Amanda, with her eye rolling, her snarky comments. But she was also different, much more relaxed, happier, even her steps seemed somehow lighter. Benson was happy for her.

Like her other coworkers she was worried about the implications of Amanda's lawsuit. She was trying very hard to appear calm, but they all could see it wasn't easy on her. But then it was finally over and Amanda was doing great, Olivia was really proud of her.

The two of them have just wrapped up an interview with a witness and were about to get into Olivia's car to drive back to the precinct.

"Mind if I get myself some coffee? I'd really like something better then the black liquid we have at the station" Amanda smiled.

"Sure, I'll wait for you"

"You want anything?" Liv shook her head and Amanda walked to the coffee shop.

Benson took out the cell phone to check her messages, she had one from Barba, probably looking for some good news about the case. She was about to listen to it when somebody called her.

"Sergeant Benson?" Olivia turned to see who it was "remember me?" the woman asked.

"Of course" Benson answered, how could she forget Mrs. Wilkes, after everything the team went through during that investigation "how are you doing Mrs. Wilkes?" she tried being polite, not sure what to expect.

"Just wanted to say hello, saw you and that other detective" she looked at the coffee shop Amanda walked into a few seconds ago "you two are here to bother other law abiding citizens?"

Olivia let out a chuckle "the way I remember it" she said "your husband had some very disturbing thoughts, and he did some very disturbing things, like building a torture room in your house, not to mention him attacking one of my detectives"

"I see" Mrs. Wilkes crossed her arms "that's what he told you?"

"Your husband did too" Olivia wasn't sure where this was going and she wasn't sure whether finding out was something she wanted.

"We both know that's not entirely true" Liv wasn't sure what the other woman was talking about "don't look like you have no idea what I'm saying, your friend there" she gestured at the shop "decided to visit my gallery and blackmail me, it might have worked then, but now" she moved a little closer to Benson "now I feel it's time to change things, I'm sure it would look good if the press hears my story, how a NYPD detective blackmailed a woman whose husband was beaten up by another officer"

"I don't know what you are talking about" Olivia tried to sound sure of it, but she had to wonder, was this true?

"Then I guess you will learn when my lawyer contacts you, I don't appreciate it that you have a cop like her in the police department" the woman turned and walked away, leaving Olivia standing there, unsure of what to do next. If this was true, and the Wilkes would bring this up… the squad would be in trouble.

Olivia turned her head to see Amanda standing there, looking at her. The expression she had was clear. Mrs. Wilkes didn't lie about the blackmail.

* * *

><p>They drove back to the station in silence, Amanda didn't even look at her during the ride. Olivia wasn't sure what to say, how to respond to this revelation. But she couldn't just ignore it. They walked into the squad room, still silent, but Olivia looked at her and Amanda knew she had to follow to the office.<p>

Fin wanted to share something about the case but Liv told him it would have to wait. The women walked into the office and Olivia closed the door behind them.

"Sit down" she told Amanda and did the same thing "so…" she wasn't sure where to start.

"I saw you talking to her" Amanda helped out "what did she say?"

"Did you go to talk to her about Amaro?" Olivia asked and Amanda nodded, there was no use to deny it "Ok, what did you say to her?" Liv stood up and turned around, this was very bad.

"I knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself, I…he believed that I was a boy and…well, I guess you know the rest" Amanda said and Olivia nodded.

"Look Amanda" she tried to soften her voice "I know you've been through a lot, and I'm so glad you got the opportunity to over come it, we are all happy for you" Amanda didn't react and Olivia continued talking "you won your lawsuit and that's great, you deserved it, but now" she stopped for a moment "she is threatening to do the same to us"

"Shit" Amanda hissed.

"If she follows through, if she turns to the press…" Olivia shook her head "I get why you did it, I know sometimes the wrong thing is the right thing to do" Olivia didn't want to get into why Amanda helped Amaro in such a way, she had her suspicions, but it was better to pretend she had no knowledge of it "I can't deny doing things that are wrong to help someone, but we need to figure what we are going to do, you are going to be in trouble, Amaro is going to get in trouble, the whole squad will. Tucker is going to have a field day with something like this"

"I'm sorry" Amanda knew an apology wasn't what her sergeant was looking for, but what else could she offer?

"Does he know?"

"He has no idea" Amanda replied "it was my idea"

Olivia nodded and sat back down.

"What do you think we can do?" Amanda hoped Liv had an idea how to fix it.

"I don't know, she's angry that you're here…I mean…we're gonna have to consult someone…"

"I see" Amanda looked somewhat defeated, it was so typical in her life, just when things were getting better, something came up. She did not feel bad about helping Nick out, he didn't deserve being locked up for beating Wilkes, but now the whole squad might be in danger.

"What if I leave?" Olivia was taken aback by the offer the other detective just made "do you think it would help?"

"What are you talking about?" Liv asked.

"If I leave, do you think she will let it go? If this is about me then…" there were no other options, if Mrs. Wilkes brings this up no one would care about her husband's actions, the only thing that would matter is her and Nick's behavior.

She told Benson about the job offer back in Atlanta and the two of them talked about it for a while.

"So this is it" Amanda stood up "I will call to accept the offer" Olivia nodded, she wanted to say something but there was nothing to add.

Amanda walked back to her desk and felt three pairs of eyes on her, she figured Fin, Carisi and Nick were wondering what that was about, she was with Liv for a long time.

"What was the update Fin?" Benson walked out a few moments after Amanda, she tried to focus her attention at what Fin was showing her and not on the upset look on Rollins' face.

* * *

><p>When Olivia was done talking Nick nodded and stood up, he mumbled something that sounded like thanks and walked out of her room. He made a promise to leave once she told him but he also really needed to walk away, to be alone. Nick saw Fin talking on the phone and he didn't bother saying goodbye to him. He just rushed to his car.<p>

Nick remembered that day, he asked Amanda what was going on because the way she looked and acted worried him. She smiled and said everything was fine. Why did he believe her?

Just a few days before that things between them were heating up, they all went out for drinks and Carisi, in his infinite wisdom decided Amanda had to pay.

"You've got money, no?" Amanda rolled her eyes at him, but didn't say anything harsh, they all knew Amanda got a large sum of money from the settlement but they had no idea how much or what were her plans for it.

"Don't worry about the money" she answered "I donated most of it, so I think you are the one who has to buy the drinks tonight"

Carisi laughed and agreed to do that. None of them was in the mood for staying up too late and the four of them said their goodbyes after just a couple of drinks. Even though Nick was tired long before they departed he stayed so he could get a moment alone with her.

They were standing outside of the bar, waiting for a cab.

"That was really admirable of you" he started and she looked at him, not sure what he meant "donating the money"

"Yeah well…" she shrugged "I used some to cover my debts and I didn't want the rest of it"

"I'm sure it would help others"

"Hopefully" she smiled at him.

"You could have bought a bike" he said and she gave him a confused look, wondering whether he was drunk after the two drinks he'd had "riding a bike…" he wasn't very good with flirting, especially when he really intended of flirting with someone he really liked.

"What are you talking about?" her eyes narrowed.

Did he have to spell it out for her? Maybe words weren't the best option so to make his point Nick slowly moved towards her and kissed her, hoping he was clear now.

Amanda's lips formed a soft smile when he pulled away and he was glad to see it "I should head home" she said "but maybe you could teach me how to ride a bike, I think I've forgotten"

Nick chuckled and smiled as she walked to the cab that pulled over next to them, she turned to smile at him and he gave her a quick wave. That night he fell asleep hopeful like he hasn't been in a long time. It was also why it was so hard for him when she decided to leave, saying it was a job.

Now he knew the truth, he knew she never wanted to go, but what he did came back to hunt him. His anger issues and his violent behavior forced her to put her career in danger to save his, to save his job and freedom.

She had to pay the price for his wrongdoings.

Nick hurried back to the station, he wanted to see her, to apologize, for everything. From the way he'd acted earlier today to the actions that caused her to jeopardize everything for him. He needed to tell her how grateful he was for her, how he would never be able to make it up to her. There were not enough words in his vocabulary to portray his gratitude. He just wanted to see her.

Nick rushed into the precinct, as if she would be gone if he won't make it in the next couple of seconds. The elevator ride seemed to last forever but finally the doors opened and he walked into the squad room.

She wasn't there.

Carisi was gone too and the door to Benson's office was open, it was empty.

Nick looked around for a moment, hoping Amanda would turn up.

"Where's Rollins?" he asked a fellow detective who knew her.

"She left with Murphy and Sonny" he said "they hurried out of here, I think they might have gotten something about the sergeant"


	9. Chapter 9

Amanda's eyes were getting tired from staring at the screen, they were going through the footage for a long time, and looking at random people seemed to lead nowhere.

"I'll be right back" Carisi left the room, he needed a break as well and decided to take a few breaths of air out of the building.

Amanda would have loved to go outside, she needed to look at something else, but every time she thought about moving it was as if Noah appeared in front of her eyes, where was he? Why was he taken? Will they find him?

"Well?" Murphy stepped out of the office, he had so many things to take care of replacing Benson, who was technically replacing him.

"Nothing yet" Amanda turned to him "we've been through so much footage, even if he's caught on camera – we only see his back, can't tell if Noah's with him"

"It's all we have right now, until Benson remembers" he was about to go back to the other room when Amanda turned her attention back to the screen.

There was something there "Lieutenant" she said and he looked at the computer, the man was there, and he turned his head.

It was only for a second, but it was also much more than they had. Amanda tried to make the picture bigger, so they could see him better.

"I will ask TARU to work on this video" she reached for the phone.

"Wait" Murphy leaned in "I think I've seen him before"

Amanda was surprised, Murphy only got back after Benson's attack, there was the short time he'd spent with them before going undercover again – did he recognize him from that time?

Murphy didn't bother filling her in, he quickly got up and rushed to the office. Amanda followed him and watched as he started searching for something, she had no idea what he was looking for.

Amanda didn't say a word, what was he looking for? It took him a bit of time but he must have found it because he stopped going through the files and papers and looked at a newspaper article.

"What is it?" she finally asked and got closer to him.

"It was on her desk, I didn't pay attention to it until now" he handed her the article.

'A mother and daughter die in a fatal car accident'

Amanda skimmed through it but her eyes focused on the photograph at the bottom, it was the man from the video. He was standing next to a woman and a little girl.

"Catherine Ernest with her daughter Emily and husband Garry" she read out loud "the name sounds familiar?"

"No" Murphy shook his head "I thought the man on the footage looked like him"

"He does" Amanda agreed¸ she didn't recognize the name or any of the people in the picture "I will go see what I can find out about him" Amanda walked to the desk and typed the name Garry Ernest, hoping to find any information about him.

Carisi got back just a few minutes after she had sat down, he could tell from the look on her face something was going on.

He didn't have to ask anything, she raised her eyes at him "Garry Ernest?" she hoped the name meant something to him.

"Garry Ernest?" Carisi tried to think, he couldn't remember him but the name did sound familiar "look" Amanda gave him the article and looked at him.

"Wait…" he said "I remember now…" he looked at Amanda.

"And?"

"It wasn't my case" he replied "Benson and Amaro dealt with it, they investigated but nothing came of it"

"Get the report about the accident" she told him "I'll call Fin" she stood up and grabbed her phone.

* * *

><p>"I remember him" Fin answered after Amanda informed him about their findings "it was Amaro's case, Benson and he were working hard on that one, but there were no evidence"<p>

"Was he a suspect?" she asked.

"The girl's biological father came to the station, he told Amaro that he had suspicions that someone hurt his daughter, he thought it was Ernest, her stepfather, the husband, so they checked him out, tried pushing, but they all insisted nothing had happened"

"So he never touched her?"

"No one did, the biological father made the whole thing up, I can't remember all the details"

"Thanks Fin, I will update you once we have more"

Amanda walked back to the room and saw Murphy standing next to Carisi "what is it?" she asked them.

"I got the report" Carisi told her, his voice was lower "the accident wasn't accidental, it was ruled as a suicide"

"Oh god" Amanda shook her head "I just talked to Fin and he told me the biological father came in saying the stepfather molested the girl"

"Get the address now" Murphy ordered Carisi.

"Fin said that Benson and Amaro worked on it, the stepfather lied" Amanda continued.

"You think this is some kind of revenge?"

"Could be" Amanda shrugged.

"Here it is" Carisi gave them the address.

"Let's go" Murphy turned to go to his office before leaving "we need to check his place"

* * *

><p>The three of them hurried to the house. They had their vests on, but Murphy decided not to wait for the SWAT team, it has been too long as it is, they had no idea what to expect, did he hurt the child?<p>

It was a house at the end of a small street, there were a lot of toys scattered outside, it was clear a family used to live there. As they moved towards the door Amanda thought that a family doesn't live there anymore.

They drew out their guns when they got to the door, not wanting to risk it.

"NYPD" Murphy said as he knocked, there was no answer and he tried again.

Nothing.

The detectives exchanged a look and Murphy tried to open the door. It was locked so they had to break it.

"Mr. Ernest" Carisi called, but it was quiet.

There was another floor and Murphy ordered the two detectives to check it out while he covers the first one.

Amanda and Carisi walked slowly and quietly upstairs. Carisi turned right while Amanda turned left. She saw him go into a room and walked into a different one herself.

Garry Ernest was there.

He was sitting on a chair, facing the door with a gun in his hand.

"Hello" he said.

"I'm detective Rollins" Amanda looked around quickly, there was a small bed and there was someone sleeping in it.

At least she hoped he was asleep.

It was Noah.

"Let's not make this situation anymore dire Mr. Ernest" she tried.

"Too late for that, wouldn't you say?" he raised the gun so it was now pointed at her face.

How stable was he? Stable enough to plan this kidnapping, it has been about two weeks since the wife and daughter had died so he had time, probably stalked her, tried to find the best way to get away from there. He did a pretty good job too.

But he lost his wife and her daughter, because of a lie. He never hurt the girl, but now she was dead.

"What is it that you want?"

The man shrugged and it seemed he wanted to say something when Amanda heard someone getting closer, probably Carisi.

"Rollins?" Amanda left the door open and he saw her standing there, her gun drawn and another one pointed at her.

"Stay away" Garry shouted.

"Ok" Amanda tried to calm him down "detective Carisi will stay back, right?" she didn't look at him, kept her eyes on the other man.

"Yes" the detective said quietly and walked out of the room but he stayed by the door for a moment before rushing downstairs to call Murphy.

"Mr. Ernest, how is the boy?" she asked.

"Why?" he raised his voice "you think I hurt him? You all think I hurt her"

"I know you didn't hurt Emily" she continued "please don't hurt him"

"Please is a nice word" he whispered, he got up and moved towards the bed, not taking his eyes or the gun off of her. When he was closer to the bed he pointed the gun to the kid, Amanda felt her heart racing.

"Is she dead?" he asked.

"No" Amanda knew he referred to Benson.

"She isn't?" he sounded somewhat disappointed "then she might as well suffer"

"Don't do it" she raised her gun.

"Are you going to shoot me? We both know you won't take that risk, not with my finger on the trigger"

He wasn't wrong, shooting him could risk Noah.

"Why don't you let him go" she offered "tell me what it is you want and I will try to help you, I will stay until you decide, you do not need the boy"

"I haven't seen you before" he changed the subject.

"You're right" she nodded "I'm from a different squad"

"A better one I hope" he said "can't trust this one"

"There's nothing I could say" she tried calming him down again "but this boy is innocent, let him go, I will stay, you will have your leverage"

They both heard Carisi and Murphy walking up the stairs and Garry thought about her offer. He pointed the gun at her.

"Carisi" she called "come on in"

"Slowly and without your weapon, or I shoot"

"Did you hear that?" Amanda asked, it was dangerous but they had to take the risk.

"Yes" Carisi replied "I'm walking in" he handed the gun to Murphy who was hesitant about this plan, but they had to think fast.

Carisi walked into the room raising his arms "no weapon" he said.

"Take the boy and go, I will stay here for a while" he gave her a concerned look but she nodded, afraid they had no other option at the moment. She had to stall, to get him to lower the gun.

Carisi walked to the bed and gently picked up Noah, he was asleep and didn't even stir when Carisi moved him.

"Now leave" Garry ordered "and close the door, if you come in I shoot her, I've got nothing to lose, you shoot me I'm going to shoot her, I hope you care enough about one of your own"

Carisi nodded and walked out with Noah, he closed the door behind him, giving Murphy a look.

Amanda heard the creak of the door being closed. It was now only her and Mr. Ernest.

His gun still pointed at her.

* * *

><p><em>No Nick in this chapter, just like on the show itself :-)<em>

_I will update soon. _


	10. Chapter 10

_A quick update, as promised_

* * *

><p>Nick called Fin to ask him what exactly was going on. He was surprised to hear the name Garry Ernest but he remembered him very well.<p>

Nick was going through a rough time back then, Maria had just told him she was getting married. He had known she was dating someone and Zara seemed to like him, but Nick couldn't. He couldn't stand the thought of someone else raising his little girl, watching her grow up, being there for her.

It was Nick's job, he was supposed to be there and protect her.

So when Emily's father first came in and told him about his suspicions, that Garry Ernest hurt his daughter, Nick didn't doubt his story for a second. On the contrary, he believed him right away.

So did Olivia.

In hindsight they should have seen through his story, the holes, his body language when he mentioned Garry. But back then they saw it as him being a father.

There were no evidence so all they could do was interview everyone over and over. Liv talked to the girl alone, she had the sense she's been hiding something. Emily was almost six and Olivia was afraid her stepfather could have made her promise to keep quiet.

When Nick and Fin interviewed Garry for the first time Nick was ready to get a confession from him, whatever it takes, but he tried the 'good cop' approach first. It failed, since the man said he loved the girl like she was his own and would never lay a finger on her. Nick's tactic was getting more and more aggressive as the days went by. He didn't hit him, though he wanted to. After that Olivia decided Nick should stay out of the interrogation room and she took his place. She tried to talk to him alone, hoping it would make him feel more in charge and he would slip, but he stuck to his story.

The mother denied everything as well, insisting the Garry was a good man and would never hurt the girl, she refused to let a doctor examine her for a long time.

Unlike Nick and Olivia, Fin wasn't sure the stepfather was guilty, he shared his feelings with Olivia who told him she hoped he was right, but they had to make sure.

After a lot of persuading Catherine Ernest agreed to let a doctor examine Emily. There were no evidence that anyone has ever molested or hurt her.

They had to drop it.

* * *

><p>In the room Garry Ernest told Amanda almost the same story, how Benson told him it will be easier on him if he confessed, about what they might to do him in prison, asked whether he even cares about the little girl?<p>

"I loved her so much" he said "I would never hurt her, Cathy's ex husband made it all up, he wanted me gone. You know they didn't ever press charges against him? Because they had no proof he only wanted to hurt me. But I know him"

"Cathy had changed after that" he continued after taking a few breaths, never lowering the gun or taking his eyes off Amanda "she said that she believed me, but I could tell something was going on with her, it was subtle and slow, the way she lost faith in me and in herself. She got paranoid, stayed awake right here" they were in Emily's room "watched her while she slept. I tried to talk to her, help her, begged her to get help, she was convinced somebody would come in and do something, her ex-husband, some random guy. She kept Emily at home, not letting her go anywhere without her, quit her job, didn't let her go to school. I tried to support her, not to judge, so she would listen to me and get help, she refused and I lost her. She lost herself, took the little girl for ice cream and they never came back. The officer told me it was an accident but I knew, and they found out themselves. She just couldn't take it"

The room wasn't dark and Amanda could see him clearly. The pain was visible in each gesture he made, in each feature, his eyes were blue but dark, he wasn't over 40 but looked like a very old man.

"I'm so sorry for what you and your family went through" she spoke after he was done with his story "but it won't bring them back"

"It will bring her pain, she's the boss, no? She decided to go at me, when we all told her the truth she chose to believe the lies. I should have killed him, to show her how it feels"

"But you couldn't, you couldn't hurt a little boy because you are a good person, a good person who's been forced into a terrible situation. You could have hurt him, but you chose not to, you wouldn't hurt a child"

He smiled bitterly but didn't say anything, the hand holding the gun was steady.

"This won't bring them back"

"Maybe it's time for me to join them then, you tell her it was all her fault"

"Don't!" Amanda could tell he was about to point it on himself "this is not what Cathy and Emily would want, they would want you to remember how they were before, how happy you all were together. I can see how much joy was in this house, and I can see how far away it all seems now. If you shoot, no one will remember them, no one will love them like you do. You staying here will keep their memory alive, you can't let the last reminder of them be an article, hurting the sergeant isn't going to bring them back, or help you feel better, all you can do is remember"

He had tears in his eyes and Amanda thought it could be her only chance. She lowered her gun and walked towards him slowly, not to startle him. It was only a few steps but she was now standing in front of him and the gun.

Many thoughts could have been running through her head at that moment, all the scenarios, all of her own memories of similar situations. But Amanda focused on this moment. Her head was clear.

"Give me the gun, we will walk out of here, we can't change the past but you still have the good parts of it"

They looked into each others eyes, and she quickly placed her gun in its place so she would be able to take Garry's gun.

"It's ok" she said as took it. He let the tears go and she looked at him for a moment as he cried "it's ok" she felt so much pity towards him, he did something terrible, there was no excuse for that, but she couldn't imagine what he's been going through.

Amanda let him cry, she stood there, knowing she has to arrest him, but she gave him time to cry and say goodbye to the room.

Garry looked around, sat on the bed and whispered "I'm sorry, I love you" he stood up and wiped his face. Without saying another word he turned around and let her cuff him.

* * *

><p>Nick and Fin reached the house at the same time. There was an ambulance near by and Nick could see Murphy talking to another officer. He looked around, hoping to see Amanda but she was nowhere to be found.<p>

"What's going on?" Nick turned to Fin but he was clueless as well. Fin walked to Murphy to get an update. Nick was about to do the same when he heard his name.

Nick searched for the origin of the voice and saw Carisi, he was playing with Noah on the other side of the street.

Nick ran towards them "what's going on?"

"Well" Carisi smiled at the kid "I'm here playing with Noah, he's okay, right buddy?" the boy giggled in response.

Nick felt relieved to see Noah was safe, but where was Amanda?

"Rollins?" he asked.

"Inside" Carisi's voice was still playful, not wanting to worry the child. He was concerned about Amanda as well, so he decided to take Noah a little further away from all the commission, but not to leave until this is over. He knew Amanda could handle it.

Nick and Carisi looked back at the house when they heard noises, Nick rushed over there and watched as Amanda walked out of the front door with Garry. He was cuffed and Amanda seemed fine. Murphy guided Garry into one of the cars and ordered an officer to take him to the station for booking.

"You alright Rollins?" he asked her.

"Yeah, I'm good" she nodded.

"Good job, everyone's safe" Murphy called the paramedics and told them to leave. It was just a precaution.

Carisi walked towards them with Noah in his arms.

"Fin, Amaro" Murphy looked at the detectives "you two take him to the hospital. Carisi, take Rollins to the station" he turned to her "I need you to fill a statement"

"Sure" she nodded.

Carisi handed the boy to Fin and he walked towards the car. Nick walked after them.

"Let's go" Carisi turned to Amanda.

When Nick reached the car he turned around to look at Amanda, she was safe, that was the only thing he could think of. She raised her eyes and met his. Suddenly he couldn't stay away, he had to be closer to her. Amanda got into the car and Nick walked over there as fast as he could.

"Carisi" he said "go with Fin"

"What?" the other detective was confused.

"Go with Fin, I need to get to the station"

"O…k" Carisi wasn't sure what was going on but he nodded and walked away.

Nick sat down in the driver's sit "hey" he looked at Amanda.

"Hi" she seemed a bit surprised to see him since Murphy ordered Carisi to take her to the station, she was still upset about their argument earlier.

Nick drove off, there were so many things he wanted to say but a crime scene wasn't the place for that conversation.

They drove in silence until Nick parked the car. She reached for the handle to open the door.

"Amanda" she stopped moving and turned to look at him, he looked concerned, like he had a lot on his mind.

"I need to say something" he started.


	11. Chapter 11

"I need to say something" he started, her eyes were focused on him and their beauty distracted him for a second, but he had to focus.

"I know" he continued "Liv told me why you really left" she looked down for a moment "I don't know what to say, thank you? That's not enough… that's too little, what you've done for me…I…you jeopardized yourself for me, saved my career, saved my life"

She turned away now, not sure how to react, she never told Nick because she didn't want him to feel guilty, but now he knew.

"Amanda" he was about to reach her but wasn't sure if it was something she'd want right now "I can't express how grateful I am, I hate to have put you in this position" he paused for a moment.

"What I've said in that alley, I shouldn't have said it, I was wrong, I've been so…lost…for a long time, I feel like everything keeps on crushing down around me all of the time and I don't know what to do. Every decision I make just leads to trouble, causes pain, even this case, if I had been more careful…"

"This wasn't your fault Nick" she said "what he did…it's on him, the investigation is not an excuse"

He shrugged "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said it to you"

"It's ok that you did" she said "I get it, I know how it feels to have bad things happen to you over and over, I felt exactly the same for such a long time Nick, something good would happen and right away something bad followed. I know how much it hurts. But it will consume you, Nick, speaking from experience, it will take over every good part of your soul. You need to change, I don't know how, but it will eat you up alive, and it will kill you"

"Amanda I…" he started.

"You know, I miss New York, I really do, but somehow, even though I'm back in Atlanta, I'm better. All my life I put others first, I never got that in my home so it didn't feel so bad. But it was, you already know everything, with my sister, my colleagues, I felt so empty and the only thing that helped me was gambling. But I tried so hard, I've been trying every day to change that, to put myself first. Not to let down the most important person in my life – me. I miss this place, I miss you guys" she had a faint smile "don't apologize to me Nick, change for the better, for you"

Amanda opened the door and stepped out of the car. She walked out of the car and walked to the station without waiting for Nick.

* * *

><p>The rest of the day had passed quickly. Amanda filled the paperwork, and after a while Fin and Carisi came back to the station, leaving Noah with Liv and Lucy at the hospital.<p>

"Good work everyone" Murphy congratulated them "I guess you will be going back to Atlanta now?" he turned to Amanda.

"I've booked a flight for tomorrow morning" she smiled.

"I think we should go and celebrate" Fin stood up "how about drinks? Beer, juice, I'm buying"

"Thanks Fin, but I'm exhausted, why don't we make other plans, I'll come to visit, you can come by too"

"Amaro?" Fin looked at him, a bit disappointed.

Nick shook his head "I have to get to D.C early, to pick up Zara"

"Looks like it's you and me Fin" Carisi laughed.

Fin said goodbye to Amanda and she promised to visit more often.

"I'll believe it when I see it" he pulled away from their hug.

"Have faith" she smiled at him.

"Rollins" Murphy said "can I have a word with you in the office?"

"Of course" she got up and walked after him.

"Let's go then" Fin looked at Carisi "have fun with your girl Amaro"

"Thanks, I will walk out with you" he grabbed his jacket and they all walked to the elevator.

* * *

><p>"I wanted to thank you again Rollins" Murphy said "I'm glad you could come and help"<p>

"Me to, I'm happy I could help"

"You know, when Benson gets back I will be back in vice, officially. I'm taking over a squad there"

"That's great"

"I wish you luck, you deserve it" he smiled.

"Are you about to say 'may the road rise to meet you'?"

Murphy let out a laugh "the way I see it, you're on the right path"

"Thank you" she shook his hand "for everything"

Amanda walked out of the office to an almost empty room. It looked like the other detectives had already left.

She grabbed her things and was about to head back to the hotel when she glanced at Nick's desk. His phone was still there, but all the other things were gone. He must have forgotten it.

Was it a good idea to take it over there? Maybe he wanted to leave without saying goodbye? Maybe this was the better way, her visit wasn't very friendly and she didn't want it to end like that.

Amanda took the phone and decided to pay a visit to Nick, just to part with him.

* * *

><p>Nick's house was quiet. He's been living alone for a long time now but it felt like it has never been this quiet before. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and drank it while sitting on the couch.<p>

Amanda was right, he had to change. Unlike her, he always thought about himself, how things would affect him. Every fight, every argument, his first though had been about him, about his discomfort, his pain.

Amanda was right, apologies weren't enough.

He had to start somewhere, so he called Maria, to congratulate her, for real this time. He told her he trusted her, knew she wouldn't do anything that might hurt their daughter. He was glad she could find happiness. Nick told her he will come by the next day to pick up Zara.

Nick felt surprisingly better after that call, it was the right thing to do, for him, for Maria and for Zara.

He had to use the land line for that call, since he realized his cell phone was at the station, he was in such a hurry to leave he must have forgotten it there.

He threw away the empty beer bottle and took a quick shower, happy to change his clothes into a comfortable t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. The floor felt nice under his bare feet.

Nick was about to grab himself something to eat when there was a knock on the door. No one was supposed to come by and he wasn't sure he was in the mood for visitors.

But it was Amanda.

"You forgot this" she handed him the phone when he let her walk inside.

"Thanks, you didn't have to come all this way" he took it from her and put it on a nearby table.

"It's ok" she smiled "I also wanted to say goodbye"

"Oh, sorry I left without saying anything"

"Look" she continued "I didn't mean to give you a lecture back in the car…"

"Everything you'd said was true, I have to change, for me, for my family"

"I just want you to be happy" she smiled.

"I want that for you too" he told her "you deserve that"

They looked into each others eyes, wondering what the other was thinking. There were many things they could say, but the words wouldn't come to either one.

"I miss you" Nick whispered.

He leaned forward to kiss her. His lips touching hers. It was a soft kiss, a short one, but her lips felt soft and so good. He kissed her again,

Amanda liked the way his mouth felt against hers, it didn't feel wrong. The distance, the problems they had, none of that mattered at that moment. It felt as if they were the only people in the whole world, nothing keeping them apart.

They both deepened the kiss at the same time, letting their tongues intertwine, tasting each other. Nick pulled her closer to him. One of his hands caressing her hair. Parting for only short intervals they made their way to the couch.

Sitting down required for their lips to separate and they looked into each other's eyes. Amanda leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around her. the exhausting day took it's toll and they fell asleep.

Morning came and Amanda woke up wrapped in Nick's arms.

"Mmm" Nick mumbled, her movements caused him to open his eyes.

"Morning" she smiled shyly and pulled away.

"Good morning" he sat up straight.

"I better go, I have to go to the hotel and get my stuff and call Benson" she turned away. She was a little upset, but this feeling came from having to go, Nick's embrace felt so good and walking away wasn't easy.

"Amanda" Nick walked after her "don't leave"

"What?" she looked at him "you have to go see your daughter, and I have a flight to catch"

"No" he shook his head and moved even closer to he so he could caress her hand "I mean, don't leave New York"

* * *

><p><em><strong>One Year later…<strong>_

* * *

><p>Nick turned on the light in the dark house and walked to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. He quietly walked into the bedroom and placed the glass on the bedside table. Nick walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower after another long day at work. The warm water felt good, washing the remains of the day.<p>

He has made changes in his life. Trying to make room for things other than the job, focusing on doing good things. Some of them with Gil, some with Zara when he could.

But there was another big change.

Nick got dressed and walked out of the bathroom.

"Hey" she whispered.

"Did I wake you?" he asked.

"No, get in here" her eyes still shut.

Nick smiled and got into the bed with her, gently wrapping his arms around her and kissing the back of her head.

"How are you feeling?" kissing her again.

"Alright" she caressed his hand.

"I brought you some water, you had anything to eat?"

She shook her head in response "I don't know if I can"

"I can make you something quickly, you should eat"

"Maybe later" the laid quietly for a while until she let out a giggle.

"What?" he asked.

"It's stupid, really stupid"

"Now you have to tell me" he pulled her a bit closer.

"Promise not to laugh"

"Promise"

"Do you think my boobs are bigger?" she expected him to break his promise but instead he gave her another kiss.

"I can check" he offered and let his hands move under her shirt, gently caressing her breasts.

"Well?" she smiled.

"Your breasts are perfect"

She let out a laugh but didn't add anything, enjoying the way his warm hand felt on her skin. Nick let his hands move around her chest but suddenly he felt her turning to him and stopped.

"Nick" she looked into his eyes now "is this what you want? I mean you have two kids and I never really expected to be a mother so…"

He cut her off with a kiss "I want everything with you Amanda" he said.

A year ago, when he'd asked her to stay he was afraid she would say no, what reason did he give her to respond differently? But she didn't say no.

She couldn't stay though, so for a while she came back to Atlanta and stayed there for another month. Nick visited and they'd spent a weekend together. There he told her that he'd found out that the Wilkes had left New York.

Murphy was the solution to the last obstacle. The two of them knew that working together won't be possible and she had to find another squad. Murphy wasn't surprised about this relationship, even though he wasn't Amaro's number one fan, he knew Amanda was a good detective and he trusted her.

"I mean it" he continued "I love you, and we will be good parents to our child, we already know Frannie likes kids" Amanda smiled.

Nick kissed her again "We're gonna be happy, there's no other option, this is how we end up"

* * *

><p><strong>-The end-<strong>


End file.
